Things are rapidly changing. Outrage of years of police brutality, privilege from face and social status, and the tearing down of monuments that remind us of what we have done. I wish there was a better way to reshape society. Apparently there isnt . What does it mean to me? I don’t think I have a voice in this country anymore. That is something I have to accept whatever my feelings maybe. The deeper truth is I have seen societal changes all my life and this is one more of a long list.
I want to tell people I empathize with their struggle, but people are offended by this. They cleverly point to white privilege as the reason I have no right to speak. That, to me is the misinformed opinions, that are being pushed. It is the invalidation of my life experiences. I think I need to speak my truth before I disallowed to say it. And to speak the greater truth that is in the world. Here it goes before it’s gone.
I was born to 2 white parents. One, a severely damaged molested woman whose own parents were murdered. The other a Vietnam veteran who either saw it did too much. Between the drinking and fights, infidelity, and the inability for either of my parents to adapt and recover, my mother left my father.
The next point of my life was being raised by my mother and her drinking. I don’t fault her for it now. We all have to do what we need to do to get by. As the only male in the household, where the was hatred of men and those that looked like me father. She was heavy handed with discipline. My sisters faired no better. It’s something I still have to live with. But that is something everyone in that situation would have.
Growing up poor, robbing Peter to pay Paul, food stamps, and with an absent mother sucked. Yet we found ways to survive. That is what most people want. I have seen a bit of the world and my conclusion is all around the world people want that. And they find ways to survive whatever life throws at them. That is the true human spirit. Survival is all we have when we aren’t rich. That I do not think will change as society reshape itself again.
My life went on that way until my mother remarried. He is a good man who taught me a lot very quickly. He insured we had the best education he could get us. He taught me the value of hard work, reading, dealing with people, and caution. For most of my life Richard has always been there to teach me new things. We don’t talk that often as I don’t want a media trail to his door. I have a deep respect and love for him. When my mother divorced him, he carried a torch for.years. He taught me love is more than what it seems.
After high school, I went into the service. I went all around the southwest Asia area. I saw that people lived in more or less the same fashion as Americans did. Yes there are differences. But you could see the survival of humans. After a war, my service was up and I again found ways to survive. I had a career in auto repair, worked on a degree, bought a house. Like all things in my life then it wasn’t meant to last. Most of that caused by my inability to connect personally with people and my own mind in what I did and saw.
Another marriage and kids came. I’m your forties it can be tough trying to find a place when you have no place in society. After two more divorced and a phone call from the New Hamshire state police, my life became so unmanageable I decided I didn’t want this life anymore. I never intended to wake up. I am still shocked at it still. When the media came calling, I ran to survive. Lately I have been putting together a new career and surviving.
My wife gave birth to our first child together this month. I want everything for him. More than that I want him to know the hope I never felt until the last two years. I want him to know that humans will survive and find a way to go.on. That he can choose a path that he wants. Once survival is out of the way, he can piece together his life and family. That he should be cautious of people that tell him about him. That whatever society we have when he grows up, he can find a place.
A couple of thoughts of privilege. I don’t feel like having a serial killer father is a privilege. Having a mentally ill drinking mother is not a privilege. Being the poorest family in a rich suburb is not one either. Carrying around my sins from service or having to beg to get rent paid. The only privilege I have is a great wife, kids, and neighbors. That is mostly luck.
BeTheAdventureOfLife 